Fertile Darkness: The Rev. Susan Gregg-Schroeder’s battle with depression led to a new calling.

Fertile Darkness

Psalm 57 begins, “In the shadow of your wings, I will take refuge, until the destroying storms pass by.” .

My first assignment out of seminary was as the first female clergy to a large urban church. Little did I know that I was also about to embark on a journey through the destroying storms of major depression. I worked hard at my ministry, after getting over the initial shock, and gradually gained confidence in myself and acceptance from the congregation. All that was to change in 1991 when I became enveloped by a deep sadness. Despite my experience with pastoral counseling, I did not recognize or understand what was happening to me. It was a friend who suggested I get a spiritual director to help me sort out the personal and spiritual changes I was experiencing.

I worked with my spiritual director for about eight months. I began to name some experiences from my past. My mother’s love for me had been conditional, based on my behavior and performance. I became adept at working to please others and meet the expectations of others, which served me well as a pastor.

But in the fall of 1991, a series of events hit me like waves, until I felt totally overwhelmed with despair, as I finally admitted to myself that I had been an abused child. My mother had died of breast cancer when I was fifteen. Later my birth father died, and at his funeral I learned my half sister also had breast cancer. A week later I awoke to the newspaper headline telling of a devastating firestorm in the Oakland/Berkeley hills that destroyed my birth home.

I had all the symptoms of major depression. My spiritual director sent me to a psychiatrist, who also happened to be a member of my church. It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. The result was my first hospitalization. Ironically, it was the same hospital where I had conducted worship services when I was doing my Clinical Pastoral Education units. The small chapel was now a barbershop.

No one at church except my senior pastor knew of my hospitalization. For two years, I suffered in silence. After another hospitalization and with the support of my senior pastor, I wrote an article for our church newsletter entitled, “The Burden of Silence.” Many came forward with their stories, and in response, I wrote the book, In the Shadow of God’s Wings: Grace in the Midst of Depression, published by The Upper Room.

Spirituality is a universal truth yet a highly individual journey. I have since left the local church and have been appointed by my bishop as the first Coordinator of Mental Health Ministries. In this capacity, I conduct workshops, conferences and seminars and have developed video resources on mental health issues for use in faith communities. My journey of self-discovery led me back to the community and caring for others.

The journey toward wholeness is living in the tension of the surprising, unpredictable, impulsive Spirit, which grounds us and brings meaning to our existence. We become part of the mystery of incarnation as our soul touches the souls of others in love and compassion. We abide in a sacred dance as our soul brushes briefly with eternity.