The Rev. John Brewer on facing up to one's ghost

The Unthinkable…With a Face

Helping children die, you say? “Oh, that’s one kind of chaplaincy I couldn’t do.”

Ring a bell? Pediatrics comes with its own set of difficulties, which most can easily list: the unthinkable with a face, a name, and loving parents. Besides the obvious problems, like “Children shouldn’t die before their parents,” “How could an all powerful, benevolent Being allow this to happen”, “What part have I played as parent in what is happening here?” or “Why is the Almighty punishing me?”…. there is a more fundamental question in regards to working in pediatrics which chaplains need to address if their ministry is to be whole.

Chaplains commonly say to me: “I could never do that work.”

Hmm…. Do I sense fear here? Why do so many say it, sometimes even CPE supervisors? Have you ever said it? It seems people say it more about cancer kids than trauma kids. Why is that? It reminds me of my days as a naturalist in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, when there was one question I was most commonly asked. It always started with “How” – and I knew how they would finish – “did you land this job?” It is interesting that some kinds of jobs bring forth certain common responses from others.

“Oh, that’s one kind of chaplaincy I couldn’t do.” Maybe, just for a moment, you have pictured in your mind a perfect baby who was abused, raped and/or killed. You envisioned the act – you let it flash in your mind for only a moment – then you quickly blocked it out because of the horror. But it still lingers somewhere in the comment, “Oh, I could never do that kind of chaplaincy. “

Most of us live in an orderly world, intervening to help with the chaos of sickness as abnormal and something to “help people through.” We are trained to help connect them with their strength in order to cope, knowing that in time, things will get better, even if death occurs. We search for order, for human causes, for ”reasons” if you will, often without knowing it. We want to know that life’s experiences aren’t random, that there is a Force which somehow allows difficulties, and in our search for answers it is easier if we can find human cause for a child suffering. We can often find human neglect, inexperience, abuse and inattention at the root of general pediatric admissions. But, where is the ultimate ghost?

The ultimate ghost lurks in a seemingly more benign place. It is a child with whom we have developed a relationship with over the years; a child who presents initially as very healthy, and then, in the end, proves us wrong in our supposed ability to muster emotional boundaries.

Our ultimate challenge? It is the child dying for no human cause or reason we can name and it leads us to an uneasy feeling of randomness. Pediatric ICU may have reasons and it may not. But, we just can’t get away from randomness in pediatric oncology. It seems counter-intuitive to even entertain the possibility that it is easier to work with an abuser or abusee than with a pediatric cancer patient. However, abuse we can at least name. It is not much of a reason to say it was an abuser, an accident or neglect that did it. But, it actually gives us a certain satisfaction if we can blame a human for this death. The thought of a random child death can deeply challenge even a strong believer’s faith in the Almighty.

If this in some sense is true for me, then there is a very real way in which I as chaplain am subtly attempting to “explain” and in some sense ”control” the world I am experiencing. Behind the search for reasons may be the fear of randomness. And it is this fear which may be lurking behind the words, “I could never….” I must be prepared to not search for reasons if I am to be fully present as a chaplain, for the Almighty exists in the randomness, too.

Am I being too hard? Maybe. But this area is in need of chaplains as much or more than any other, and is filled with magical moments of grace, mercy and providence in spite of the challenges.

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