Rabbi Dr. David J. Zucker on appropriate chaplain boundaries

More than the Songs that We Sing

Some years ago there was a song lyric which said, “You’ll know who I am by the song that I sing.” While we could understand this to mean, “You will know who I am by what I say,” a more practical approach might be that we would know others by what they actually do. As we know, in the real world there is theory, and then there is the actual practice. Often, in the language of chaplaincy, we suggest that there may be a difference between people’s Espoused Theology and their Operational Theology. The first is what people say they believe, the second is how they act. At times, there may be some cognitive dissonance between the two.

Just how do we really know the inner qualities of others? Further, if we are to evaluate people by their acts, what criteria should we consider?

In a very insightful statement found in the Talmud, we learn that we can detect people’s character through several items: what they drink, their generosity, and their tendency toward anger (Babylonian Talmud ‘Eruvin 65b). In its original language, these terms reflect a play-on-words for in Hebrew they all sound very similar: koso, kiso, and ka-aso (literally one’s cup, one’s pocket, and one’s anger, respectively). Another marker suggested is to judge people by their laughter (ts’hako).

These standards continue to be relevant in the contemporary world. To know one’s limits with drink, and to choose to control one’s anger, deal with inward behaviors. Helping others by giving to those in need, and being ready to laugh at the humorous parts of life, never mind laughing at oneself, affects outward relationship with others.

When we take the time to look at our own lives as chaplains, what are the answers to those categories? Do we remain within appropriate boundaries when it comes to drink (or whatever we imbibe or ingest?) and do we remain in appropriate boundaries with our anger? Or, are these boundaries more porous than they really should be? Likewise, in terms of our relationships with others, at work or at home, are we generous with our time, and our charitable giving, as well as with our laughter?

The sage Hillel remarked, “If I am not for myself, who will be?” and then he added, “If not now, when?” If we need to modify our behaviors, it could begin today, if we set our minds to it. There is always room for us to grow: let us be guarded with our cup and our anger, and generous with our pocketbook and our laughter. If so, then we will be, and we will be experienced as people who live their lives guided by both goodness and kindness, and we will be deserving of praise.

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