Dr. Diane Bridges on a seasonal way to help those who grieve

Holiday Grief

Anniversaries, birthdays and holiday times are especially poignant for those experiencing the loss of a loved one.

The anticipation of the event can be as stressful as the occasion itself and some people may even experience physical illness as the day or time approaches. Family and friends may try to be helpful, but often they too dread the event.

The Christmas season, which seems to begin early November and carry on until the New Year, is an especially difficult time for those who recently experienced a loved one’s death. I have found in my practice that while I cannot realistically respond to all the calls I receive during this time, I can offer excellent assistance through bereavement seminars which I conduct at the hospital.

Fairly early, prior to the event, a local funeral home distributes invitations to those recently experiencing a loss. Advertising is also done on the radio, in local churches and in the press. People R.S.V.P. and are encouraged to come with friends or family members.

The setting is informal, with people sitting at round tables. Guests are greeted at the door and coffee and tea are available.

The first task is to be welcoming and affirmative, reassuring and caring. Another presenter and I outline what the flow of the presentation will be and assure people that questions and comments are welcome at any time.

The tasks of grieving are outlined simply and clearly, as are the variables which affect the intensity and length of a person’s grief.

The manifestations of normal grief – feelings, physical sensations and thoughts – are outlined and discussed as well as behaviours which seem unnatural and stressful.

Reassurance is then offered in describing the recovery period and offering helpful guidelines such as:
• Accept your emotions
• Express your feelings
• Try not to use drugs or alcohol to escape your grief
• Don’t expect miracles overnight
• Reach out to friends and family when you need them
• Avoid hasty decisions
• Be good to yourself

Questions and discussions are entertained throughout the presentation and following a break time.

Guidelines for handling grief are offered.

A candlelight service in memory of the deceased is then conducted. Each person lights a candle in memory of the deceased and passes the light to the one sitting next to them saying: “Peace to you in memory of George” (or something similar).

At the conclusion of the evening, the presenters are available to comfort and advise individuals as needed. Written materials are available to take home and a list is provided for those who might like to gather to start a self-help group in the future.

While this bereavement seminar does not take away the pain of the holiday season, it does offer comfort and hope that may help to alleviate some of the grief. Just knowing that there are so many like yourself in the same room experiencing similar emotions helps to heal the isolated feeling of being “so alone” during the festive season.

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