The Rev. Koshin Paley Ellison on a tale of a teacher and a student

Sexuality and Pastoral Care?

Hollyhocks in bloom.
A butterfly flaps to lift –
edge of the walkway.
I lean to help. Ants help, too –
eating its dying body.

How can I practice being in the moment? How can I express my full sexuality while encountering all creations with respect and dignity? Exploring my relationship between sexuality and pastoral care requires that I tell you a story. As part of my Zen training I went to a Zen temple that was in the country hills outside of a Japanese city.

For the five weeks, my daily life was pretty much the same. I awoke at four, sat zazen (meditation) with the temple’s Abbot, with whom I lived. The two of us would have a service in the Buddha Hall and then he would make breakfast for us. During breakfast he would put a huge dictionary on the table, and we would have ”conversation.” It was more about exchanging a few words. After breakfast, we went for silent morning walks along the river – watching hawks and the day arrive at eight in the morning. We returned to the temple and he would do his temple running. I would take walks, write in my journal, wander about and, with the late afternoon call of the cicadas, returned to the temple.

The Roshi (‘old teacher’ in Japanese) and I bonded in our silence and developed a nice rhythm. One morning, during ”conversation,” he asked if I was married. Two years before my partner and I had a ceremony with a hundred family members and friends, and so I said, “Yes.”

“Children?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said thinking of my step-daughter who was living with us.

“Wife?” he asked.

“No,” I said. Then I pointed to the word 'husband' in the dictionary.

This brought a strange look on his face.

“No,” he said emphatically. I nodded, and found the word for gay, which in Japanese is ho-mo, and I pointed to it. His face fell. He closed the book and briskly left the kitchen.

As I walked a little scared into the Buddha Hall to sit, I thought, “Now what? I am in the middle of Japan, and I don’t speak Japanese. I’m going to be here for another few weeks pretty much alone with this guy, and maybe he’s homophobic.”

The following few days we sat together, chanted together, and then instead of river walks and Japanese breakfasts – nothing. He no longer looked and me. What had once seemed idyllic now felt disturbing at best.

For seventy years –
people said nothing will grow
in this place.
I lay awake with the rain.
Tonight, the drops shine the leaves.

The priest had a son who lived down the road. I invited him for dinner and explained the situation over soybeans, sake, and other little dishes of food.

He said, “Impossible. It must be a misunderstanding. My father is a fine Zen teacher with a deep understanding of the BuddhaDharma (the teachings). This being so, he couldn’t hold prejudice against you or anyone.”

I realized at that moment the difference between religion and culture. While ancient Japanese culture celebrated male-to-male love, the modern culture discriminates against gays and lesbians. The son drove me back to the temple. Across the courtyard, I saw the son knocking and sliding his father’s door open.

The next morning, we sat together, held service, and without missing a beat, Roshi said, “Breakfast.” During breakfast we had conversation, and then we went for our morning river walk. At the end of my five weeks there, he gave me his hat that he had worn everyday, and told me to come back home to the temple soon. We embraced and both of us cried.

What does this have to do with pastoral care and sexuality? For me, it is about being fully who I am moment by moment and allowing others to be who they are. It is also about the beauty of staying present and not backing away from difficulty. It is About Using the muck and worst parts of your life to grow the most exquisite lotus flower – which only grows in the muddiest of waters. This story was about entering relationship and how relationships can be reentered in new ways. It also taught me how good it feels to practice in a tradition that doesn’t leave anyone out. Buddhism celebrates the awakening of gay, straight, black, white… any and all beings throughout space and time.

Eihei Dogen, the revitalizer of the Soto tradition in Japan wrote: “By the continuous practice of all Buddhas and ancestors, your practice is actualized and your great road opens up. By your continuous practice, the continuous practice of all Buddhas is actualized and the great road of all Buddhas opens up. Your continuous practice creates the circle of the Way.”

Each moment can open or close a world for ourselves and others.

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