Dr. Diane Bridges on teaching our children about life and death

Talking with Children about Terminal Illness, Death, Dying & Grief

As a parent, relative, friend, or chaplain, one of the most difficult experiences is talking with a child about someone’s terminal illness. It doesn’t happen in a moment or a sentence and it’s not about the language of religion or faith traditions. It’s all about precious, loving relationships, security and hope. It’s about metaphors and hugs and tears and truth and hope for the future. It’s about holding onto and cherishing meaningful relationships of those touched by the process of death and dying in the life of a child or adolescent.

It’s important to remember that perceptions of death vary with developmental stages of a child’s life: 3-5 years, 6-10 years, 10-18 years. You can help a child by acknowledging his or her feelings, thoughts or fears about what is happening. Recognize signs of confusion, anger, acting out, silence, lack of appetite, sleeplessness or even apparent lack of feelings.

Ask yourself what you think is most important right now to this child in a context which will provide hope and help while dealing with the pain and fear. As parents we often want to protect children from the pain of grief. Because we have difficulty dealing with death, we wonder how a young child could possibly cope with it. But children can and do! We have an enormous responsibility to be there for them in the midst of our own grief to ensure that they do not feel bewildered and abandoned.

Don’t feel that you need to provide all the answers. Feel free to speak about what is happening, e.g., “Mommy is very sick right now and we are giving her all our love. Our love as a family lasts forever and ever and we don’t need to be afraid. We’ll help each other and we’ll all be safe and strong together. It’s okay to cry because we feel sad. Crying will help us. It’s okay to laugh, too, when we hear or see something funny.”

Be simple, direct, and honest in terms that your child can understand. This, along with warmth and your physical presence and affection are so helpful. It is also important that we reassure children that death is not contagious and that the death of one person doesn’t mean that someone else will die soon. During these very difficult times try and maintain order and stability and security in your child’s life as much as possible.

As much as you may feel so inadequate in the face of impending or realized death, you have incredible parenting instincts and you may find that your child can actually comfort you as all of you struggle with the realities of your losses.

Children have a great deal to teach adults about grief and we need to encourage them to ask questions, explore their feelings, draw their images with color and participate in the processes of living and dying as a natural part of life. I have found that Leo Buscaglia’s book The Fall of Freddie the Leaf to be very helpful in explaining death to young children.

Certainly there are no magical approaches or answers. You are the front line; and there is your circle of friends, professionals and family members on whom you can rely. Your personal wisdom and faith, even if they feel shattered at the time, will eventually enable you and your child to move forward in hope with the strength of your love.

As a hospital chaplain, grief counsellor and grandma in our precious family, I would say to you very truly, “Try not to worry about tomorrow, God is already there.”

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