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Dr. Diane Bridges on profound love amidst excruciating grief
The Healing Circle of Spiritual Care
at the Time of Perinatal Bereavement
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you … before you were born I set you apart …”
.gif) Jeremiah 1:5
Any kind of perinatal death is a devastating crisis for parents, most of whom are unaware of their own needs at the time of their loss. Spiritual care at this time is more than a protocol to support and guide grieving parents; it’s an essential presence, an outward manifestation of the healing power of compassionate love. It is encountering the black hole of emptiness, of shattered dreams and hopes. It is acknowledging anger, bitterness, and confusion, and not running away from the wrenching postpartum agony of labour pains in vain. It is comfort, not so much through words, but through the sacred privilege of being with another’s pain.
The “healing circle” of spiritual care is the powerful presence of each person in the room united in care and support for those who have just lost a child, and a significant part of themselves. Parents are grieving multiple losses. Where is hope in the face of such darkness? And, what might spiritual care look and feel like in this situation?
I have attended upon numerous perinatal losses. It is always a draining and heart wrenching experience. People look to me to help them not only express their pain but to pray through the moment, the experience, in a meaningful way.
Therefore, I must listen attentively with the heart and soul. I must help everyone to have this “life ending” acknowledged with dignity. A child has come into the world and left the world through no will of its own.
This is not a time for theological musings about angels and God’s will. It is a time to draw upon the profound love which is manifesting itself in excruciating grief. It is the time to validate each person who is bonded by the experience. It is time to renew the strengths of family, friends and care providers. It is time to draw upon the commitments made in the past – in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer.
Most people at the time of their deepest despair need others to be the compassion of God, to pray for them when they simply cannot, and to be reassuring.
The healing circle of spiritual care is about
our warmth, when people feel abandoned;
our closeness, when they feel so very sad;
our peace, when they feel anger, resentment and bitterness;
our strength, when they feel afraid;
our patience, when they feel anxious;
and our assurance that God is in the midst of our pain and that this experience will eventually have meaning.
Naming the baby, blessing the baby, handing the baby back to God - these are significant rituals of the healing process.
Respect, above all else, the wishes of the parents, even if this means being shut out from the intimate moments of their spiritual struggle. This, too, can be part of the healing circle of spiritual care.
The healing circle of spiritual care is all about what we do, why we do it, how we do it, and who we are in this reality. The way we cuddle the baby, dress the baby, take photographs, notice the beauty of tiny fingers and toes. It is the time we take to comfort, to get to know and to commit to care into the future.
All of this continuum of care from the birthing experience to the leave taking is spiritual care because it emanates from our souls, the place of our authentic love. It is what makes all of us one whole and holy people.
Dr. Diane Bridges received her doctor of ministry degree from the University of Toronto, St. Michael's College. She is the director of spiritual & religious care at the Trillium Health Centre in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada, one of Canada's top 100 employers, and is a member of CAPPE/ACPEP and the APC. She has authored a number of articles on bereavement and grief recovery. Her passion is the healing ministries.
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