Megory Anderson on being present with the dying

Sacred Dying

Susan was right in the middle of her CPE training when she got the word that her mother was dying. “I thought I would be ready for this,” she told me, “but even being here at the hospital all summer long, I’m not sure I can do this. I don’t feel ready. I don’t know what to do.”

My work in Sacred Dying has been to help guide people through the dying process. As a culture, we often marginalize the dying, leaving them to fend for themselves. Our healthcare practitioners provide medical care, of course, but spiritual care for the dying is an art we have somehow forgotten.

Our dying remind us of this in their call for a “good death,” and our spiritual caregivers challenge us, too.

As I travel across the country, one of the common cries I hear from clergy and chaplains is: “I wasn’t taught how to do this! Give me some tools!”

More and more, our seminaries are recognizing the fact that we have a large generation of people who are elderly and dying, and our boomers are also aging. It is time to focus on the spiritual care of the dying.

There are tools out there, with people and organizations who address this need with dedication and wisdom. Hospice. God bless Hospice workers and volunteers. There are good books out there illustrating practices of numerous faith traditions. I remember one very sincere woman who tried reading her dying mother portions from The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. That book is a classic, and filled with incredible wisdom and insight, but the poor Methodist mother from Kansas City couldn’t quite get her head around the Buddhist concept of phow and reincarnation. Perhaps we might look within our own traditions for the rites and prayers handed down throughout history.

What are three things we can do as we are called on to be with the dying, either in the role of chaplain or even as a friend or family member?

First of all, and more than anything else, know that the experience of dying is a sacred transition, and one of the most important experiences we will ever go through. Being a witness to that, and helping guide the person through that transition, is holy work.

1) Learn the art of sacred presence. More often than not, the dying want someone with them who can sit quietly and “hold” the space for them.
2) Create a sacred environment. Use music, candles, or items that have special meaning for the person dying.
3) Use ritual. Oftentimes, the clinical psycho-social model of engagement is not satisfactory. Nor does the brief visit with a perfunctory prayer meet the genuine needs of someone imminently facing the reality of death. Rituals have the potential for transcending words and emotions.

As we learn to honor the dying, to recognize their spiritual and emotional needs, we ourselves participate in something greater. Being present with the dying has changed my life, and I hope that each of you will gain extraordinary measure in your own ministries as you face death and those who are dying.

 

Do you have thoughts about professional practice you’d like to share with your colleagues? Send an e-mail info@PlainViews.org.