Rev. George Handzo on properly using our insights

Inferring and Assessing Our Friends and Family – a response

In her recent article, my colleague, Jane Mather, has clearly and cogently raised a very important concern and presented a clear set of questions and challenges. This issue is particularly important because we, as religious professionals, are often in denial about it and disregard it at our own peril.

Before I propose my answer, I would enter a plea for a change in terminology. It is my hope that I, and others in pastoral care, don’t make judgments. We should have opinions, insights, perspectives, action plans or even hypotheses, but not judgments.

On the question, I am of the group that believes that the issue is in “what use is made of what is heard.” We always gather information, discern, assess and come to conclusions. We cannot and should not try to turn that function off. It is the way we are hard-wired to live in the world. It is the process I use to decide whether to hit the brake or the gas pedal in the car. It’s the way I decide how to respond to someone I’m in conversation with in any context. As a chaplain, I simply have developed, through training and experience, some very specialized ways to use this basic ability. I cannot do anything about that at this point. I do not leave it on the train going home and pick it up in the morning. It is always with me. It is a permanent part of who I am.

Further, those around me don’t expect or want me to turn it off. When my friend and neighbor was trying to make medical decisions for her dying mother, she stopped me on the street and asked for my opinion. We both understood that I was not her priest. I continued to be a friend, but one who has some ability to assess and give insights on her situation that might be helpful. When my father was dying, my siblings expected me to take the lead in dealing with the medical professionals.

The question is not do we turn it off. I would argue that we cannot even if we try. The question is what is appropriate to do with the information in different contexts. When I am driving, I am obliged to act on my assessment of whether the gas or the brake is the appropriate pedal at the moment. If I am in the car but not driving, I still often make the assessment. The problem comes if I choose to share that assessment with the driver in a way they don’t need or appreciate. Further, the rules were different when I was teaching my sons to drive. How I make these decisions are, in themselves, processes of listening, assessing, and concluding.

I believe these are questions we need to struggle with in virtually every interaction we enter into. Thanks to Chaplain Mather for her assistance in keeping these questions in front of us.

Do you have thoughts about advocacy you’d like to share with your colleagues? Send an e-mail to info@PlainViews.org.