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CaseConference #16 Resolution

The chaplain and the wife talk about options that are open for her children - traveling with a friend, taking public transportation, etc. The chaplain asks the wife to put herself in the place where her children are. Did she think that she would want to know that her dad had died right away or hold out hope that he would survive? The wife thought about it and decided that it was better to tell her children the truth so that they would not arrive with false expectations and feel that she had not been honest with them. She called and told each one. After crying with each of them on the phone, she was able to talk with them about who they could connect with to travel with them. She also arranged for them to call her every so often on their trip back.

The Chaplain arranged for the children to see their father while his body was still at the hospital. When they arrived at the hospital, the chaplain and one of the nurses from the ER escorted the family to the viewing room, where the children were able to spend private time with their mother and their father's body. The children expressed their thanks for being able to have that time before the body was taken to the funeral home.

CaseConference #16

A 49-year-old man collapses on a basketball court, where he is playing with his friends. EMS arrives and is able to restart his heart. He is transported to the ED. Once there, his heart again stops and he is revived again. His wife arrives and is able to be with him for a few minutes before his heart stops again. They are unable to revive him the third time.

The chaplain is called when the patient is brought in and meets the wife when she arrives. The chaplain stays with the wife and, when it becomes apparent that her husband cannot be revived, walks her to the family room so that she can sit in private and begin to consider the consequences of her husband's death.

After several minutes, the wife turns to the chaplain and says the following: "My two children are both in college several hours from here. They need to come home but I am afraid to tell them that their father died because they will not be able to drive here safely. What should I tell them?"

What is your response?

CaseConference #16 Responses:

Continue the conversation further and reflect before making a call. I would validate her feelings and wisdom. It is hard to tell such news by phone. It is just as hard to tell it in person.

I generally think people deserve the truth. Maybe the children will use the drive time to begin their processing of this tragedy and have some of their tears in private.

Even knowing Dad is deceased they may want to hurry to be with their mother. She recognizes they may not drive responsibly. This is a reminder of how little control we have over others in the situation.

Disbelief and sorrow will roll in quickly. Consider calling the college and asking for a chaplain, counselor or friend to go and be with the student so they are not alone when they get the call. That person will be there for comfort, can help guide them in packing and focusing.

I would ask if there is anyone who could travel with them or pick them up.

I would offer her a prayer before the call. I would pray about the needs of each of them. I would pray for peace, safety and comfort as God guides them, cries with them and receives the husband home again.

My sister-in-law was on the other side of the state at a convention when her husband was killed by a bull. She learned the news on the phone. Other women who went with her, drove her back. She had company, she had tears, she had disbelief. But she knew her husband was already dead and nothing could have changed by her being there. Her daughter (34) handled all decisions until her mother arrived five hours later.

Kathleen Brown, MAPS, NACC
Regional Chaplain

I would begin by agreeing with the wife. Yes, she did need to have her children with her, and yes, she has every reason to be concerned about their safety as they drive back from college. However, I do not think that they would drive any more safely if they believe that their father is alive but in grave danger. In fact, they may be even more inclined to rush back recklessly. Better, I would counsel, that you tell them the truth, tell them of your need for their presence as well as your fear for their safety. then ask them to meet you at a time that would allow them to collect themselves and drive with more composure. I might suggest meeting 3 hours after the call at the mother's home for example. Other options might include encouraging the children to ride together, asking a friend or nearby relative to do the driving, or to take public transportation.

The desire to not tell the kids is very understandable and typical in the earliest moments of grief, and feeling anxiety about her children who are distant is also an appropriate reaction. Blending these responses however does nothing to improve the situation and in fact may heighten the situation's emotional volatility for everyone. As her chaplain, I would work to help her separate these two critical feelings and to address each one in a complimentary order.

Keith Goheen
Chaplain, Beebe Medical Center
Lewes, DE USA

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