Paulette Heinlein on accepting oneself where one is

Confessions of a “Wise” CPE Student

“But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty.”
I Corinthians 1:27

As a student, foolish as I may be, I have had to come to terms about who I really am. I have had to make a decision as to who I want to be. In my first CPE Unit, I was polished, energetic, knowledgeable, and enthusiastic. I considered myself as “the wise.” No challenge was too big. Everything seemed to work out for me, no matter what I was called to do. I was certainly “the wise.” I have come to learn that we are a proud people, but our pride stems from a self-worth that if not attended can quickly turn into self-exaltation, and a simple unhealthy love for oneself.

“The wise” fall into the trap of seeing themselves as the only ones who are capable of working proficiently and sufficiently. Their view of other people becomes one of condescension, and ill-regard. They have placed themselves on a pedestal and can no longer view themselves or others from the same level. How can God use a person like this? From personal experience, I beseech you, He does. As He has promised, He will confound us, and I for one was confounded. I could not understand how someone as “wise” as me could not be used more instrumentally. After all, are people blind?

It was not until my second Unit that I was chosen to be foolish and weak, not to mention, exposed. By God’s grace I was able to choose which one I would be. I worked hard to be foolish, but that “wise one” popped out every so often. It wasn’t until I was fully exposed through an assignment in class, Myth Writing, that I became fully aware of the depth of my problem. The “wise one,” again, had become confounded. Nonetheless, there was now room for the foolish and weak to arise, and work. She was free to ask all the foolish questions, and to reveal all of her weaknesses. As a result, she could truly learn, heal, and grow.

This sense of who you really are invites you to imagine who you can really be, and never allows you to forget from whence you came. The real meaning of humility is accepting yourself for where you are right now, and choosing to be reshaped into what God wants you to be, not for your own glory, but for God’s.

So the real question we all have to answer is, Are we the foolish and weak, or are we “the wise”? If we are foolish and weak, we are teachable, ever learning and healing, and always growing. Simply put, we are transformed into the Image of God, one of peace and happiness. The real question is, Are we willing to admit that we are foolish and weak?

On the other hand, if we choose wise, we will always find ourselves confounded or confused. We run the risk of self-exaltation and unhealthy love for oneself. We become self-propelled, unable to be taught, and stagnant in growth. It becomes increasing difficult to admit who we really are, but not impossible.

Which one have you chosen to become?

I would like to dedicate this article to all the people who lived with “the wise one” with patience, perseverance, and love. Simply put, the ones who had to live with me through my awakening and discovery of who I really was and who I await to become. You know who you are. . .

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