Rev. Susan Wintz on the language we use

Being Mindful of Our Words

In a recent review of a book on grief published in PlainViews, the reviewer referred to grievers’ experiences as having ‘lost’ their loved one. In the context of that particular review, the author also states: “Those who have endured the death of a spouse or child can nurture the raw wound for quite some time before allowing it to begin to heal. We possess that pain and hold it close and, sometimes it seems, only give it up reluctantly. Then we begin our own journeys toward renewed wholeness, albeit changed forever.”[1]

What is essential for us to realize is that those who grieve seldom attain 'renewed wholeness' in the sense of returning to be the exact same persons they were before the death occurred. Just as important in our professional work is acknowledging that they should not be expected to.

We are all familiar with the concept of loss. It is true that when a death occurs there is a loss of a relationship that is precious. Life is never again the same, and those who remain are faced with the task of relearning their world without their loved one in it as well as all of the changes that means on a daily and moment-by-moment basis.

When a person grieves, they mourn not only the physical presence of the one who died, they mourn for the future and what might have been. The house is emptier; the bed bigger, the voices surrounding one are diminished, and future milestones that were looked toward with anticipation are changed. Wholeness cannot be ‘renewed’ as one previously knew it before the death, for there is always a place in their heart that is broken. While over time a heart may heal, a scar always remains, and while life continues, it does so in a completely different context for those who have experienced the death of a loved one. What lies ahead are countless moments and situations where the wound of grief can be opened again and again. As pastoral care providers, we can never assume that one’s grief has been completely healed and that the griever is ‘whole’ again.

A larger issue is the language we use when we speak with or about those who grieve someone who has died. A large portion of my professional work has been within the context of providing spiritual and pastoral care to bereaved parents and educating other disciplines about parental and sibling grief. Over and over again I have heard from parents how the use of the words “lost your child” causes them additional emotional and spiritual pain. Hearing this, many years ago I mindfully changed my language to use the more appropriate “your child died." Those are more suitable words because they speak the reality and acknowledge the enormous sense of sadness and change that continually confronts parents who contend with the challenges of life without their child.

I am now three and a half years into my own journey as a bereaved parent (can that be true? It seems like only yesterday!) My husband, son, and I all cringe when someone refers to our daughter and sister as being ‘lost.’ We didn’t lose her. Sarah died as the result of an accident caused by a reckless adult driver. We know exactly where the accident happened and the place where she died. She wasn’t and isn’t lost. Our grief has nothing in common with misplacing a set of keys or a dog escaping from the back yard. While we are grateful for the reminders of our daughter and sister that continue to surround us as well as the knowledge that we will one day see her and hold her again in our arms, they do not diminish the grief we continue to feel or transform the missing place in our family that will never be filled in this lifetime.

As professionals, let us be mindful of the words that we use and the impact they have upon those we care for. While we may think we are being sensitive in the use of words like ‘lost’ or ‘wholeness’ with the hope of softening the pain or reframing the reality of death, the truth is that we are not; in fact, we may be adding to it. Let us use words that honor those in grief that we are privileged to walk with and demonstrates respect to those they continue to love.

Footnotes

[1] Rev. Suzanne Hope Graham, Walking With Grief – A Healing Journey, PlainViews, Vol. 4, No. 10.

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