Rev. Dr. Aart van Beek on being sensitive to the needs of the bereaved

Respecting Differences – Especially in Death

Not long ago I conducted a memorial service for a kind man I had never met. I think it went well, but I can't know for sure. I only knew the son-in-law and the daughter slightly. The man who passed away was a non-observant Jewish person, but his widow was a devout Roman Catholic. I knew he had a rough childhood and that he was a big kid at heart. I don't know the ethnicity of the widow. She might have been Portuguese American, for there are many people of Portuguese descent (mostly for the Azores) in the Central Valley of California where I work.

This article is not about the family. It is about the pronounced difficulty of providing proper pastoral care in a cross-cultural or interfaith situation at a time of grief, especially when we are asked to do a memorial service. I have found it is inappropriate to be too curious about family details, for although counseling is part of the caring we provide at a time like this, it is more about giving a framework for them to say goodbye. I see the pastoral task at the time of a memorial service as sewing together the threads of the life of the person remembered, eternal and other stories, and the volatile emotions of the bereaved. Sometimes this has to be done with very little background information. Having done quite a number of culture-specific services over the years, there are a few things I have learned:

First, remain rooted in the tradition you represent. Those present will accept who you are. However, avoid being formulaic and scripted in your approach. It can be helpful to use traditional language, but make sure those present do not get the impression you are using a cookie-cutter approach.

Second, remember that what you are doing must help the bereaved say goodbye and to move on with dignity. Any obstacle to achieving this goal must be removed.

Third, prepare by asking questions about the person so that she or he can be remembered in an open-ended way (starting with "why," "how," etc.) Listen for the essence of this person, the seeds present in their life story that the bereaved can collectively carry with them. For example, if the person had a great sense of humor, don't be afraid to use humor.

Fourth, see if you can tie in some meaningful reference to the cultural heritage of the one remembered.

Remain aware that the bereaved tend to be gracious, for at the moment of saying goodbye they need to surrender in some way to an order that someone from the outside has control over. They will filter out what they don't agree with as long as they feel you care about them, validate their feelings of loss, and show them that you are truly trying to serve them the best way you can.

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