Dr. Diane Bridges on the art of spontaneous ritual

The Anniversary

The phone rang and the distressed voice said shakily: “I’ve got to see you, Reverend. I think I’m losing it.”

Within half an hour Phil was sitting in a comfortable chair in my office pouring out his heart and soul.

He and his wife had suffered through seven miscarriages, and one month after this last tragedy, he felt he was losing his mind. He could no longer cope. He wondered if he should have a vasectomy or if his wife should have a tubal ligation. Should they try again?

As a materially successful young couple, they had the world by the tail. The only treasure they lacked was a child.

The grief was enormous. Tears flowed freely. I listened quietly and intently and at one point responded: “Phil, I don’t think you’ve ever buried those children. You’ve never ritualized their deaths. You’ve not had an opportunity to hand them over to the Lord. Perhaps that’s what you and Helen need to do.”

He looked confused and thoughtful and said he would suggest this to his wife.

I did not hear from them for months until one day the phone rang. Helen was weeping while she said: “Diane, this is our tenth anniversary and we think we need you to come over. We need to say goodbye to our children today.” I went to the house that day with my prayer book and seven white carnations.

We chatted and listened to some soft music and when the time seemed appropriate we went to the nursery, which was fully decorated, in anticipation of new life. We brought along the lovely red anniversary roses and the white carnations. After some moments of silence, we spoke prayerful goodbyes …naming each child. As we did this, we placed a white carnation for each among the red roses in the vase. We handed each child back to its Creator with painful tears, acknowledging the grief of these loving parents.

At the conclusion of our time in the nursery, I spoke to them about their courage and the power of their married love which had carried them through so much already. I blessed them and their children. The two of them then renewed their marriage vows in the nursery on this very memorable 10th anniversary of their love.

As chaplains, we often find ourselves in challenging situations which require an immediate and sensitive response. I was fortunate to have known this couple and to have shared some of their tragic history, but I was somewhat taken aback to have to carry through on my own suggestion in such a surprising moment. The prayer book and the carnations seemed like good "props" for the time, but ultimately it was all about hope. Hope for healing, hope for renewed grace and strength in this couple's marriage, hope that their children were safe in the arms of their compassionate Maker and hope that their Spiritual Guides would continue in the journey of recovery with them. It was truly a privilege to share in this extraordinary anniversary. Blessed be God for all our sacred trusts.

 

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