Rev. Jongmi Bae on transformation

From Subordination to Ordination

My heart is inundated with grateful joy when I think about how God has led me. On February 25th, 2007, I was ordained a Presbyterian Minister in PCUSA, with endorsement for Chaplaincy.

For the past 25 years, since I graduated from seminary in Korea, my dream of becoming a minister has lived in a deep, dark place inside of me. First, although I was an excellent student, traditional Korean culture did not ordain women. Since Confucius, we have been taught that women are “less than” men and so don’t deserve to be ministers. Second, there is an old saying in Korea that if a hen in the family cries aloud, that family will be destroyed. Even in the United States, I knew that if I followed my calling to be a pastor – instead of a pastor’s wife – I would add problems to my husband’s ministry in an immigrant Korean church.

So, I stifled my inner voice that told me to be myself – the self that God put me on earth to be – because it felt dangerous and painful. I echoed what I had been taught – that women should be humble and quiet. Then two years ago, I took CPE.

Through my first CPE unit at Greenwich Hospital in Connecticut, I increasingly became able to acknowledge, respect, and claim feelings and thoughts that I had silenced for decades. I felt anger towards myself and towards traditional Korean culture for treating me and teaching me that I was not worthy because I am a woman. When my Supervisor, Rev. Catherine Garlid, said to me: “I want you to fly,” I cried with happiness to discover that I could.

During my second CPE unit – the first unit of a Residency at The HealthCare Chaplaincy in New York City, I discovered that I didn’t want to deny my identity as a Korean woman – even with all of the anger that I felt toward Korean culture. My Supervisor, Rabbi Bonita E. Taylor, encouraged me to embrace Korean culture and to find sources of women’s authority and leadership within it. Among other things, I learned that before Confucius, women had a strong voice in Korea. I too found my voice as a leader, including becoming one of the founding members of the Association of Korean Chaplains (AKC).[1] I found balance as a woman who was a leader and also proud of being Korean.

For my ordination, I wanted to reflect my newly found understanding of myself. My mother had offered to make a hanbok (traditional Korean dress) for me to wear at this significant event. At first, I had declined because traditionally, this outfit symbolizes the subordination of women. However, I knew that if I wanted women to be seen differently, I would have to play my part. I took a deep breath and a courageous step forward. I wore the beautiful pink and gray silk hanbok that my mother lovingly fashioned for me. But, I wore it as a leader with the authority to transform its meaning. In those divinely inspired moments of February 25th, God transformed both the hanbok – and me – from subordination to ordination.

[1] See PlainViews, April 18, 2007, Vol. 4, Issue 6 (Advocacy)

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