Rabbi Daniel Coleman on age and the freedom to just be

Judaism and (Our Struggle With) Dependence

The core theme of many Holidays both religious and secular is freedom. In Judaism, Passover and Sukkot celebrate our exodus from Egypt and journey towards being an independent nation in the Land of Israel. America celebrated Independence Day and prides on being “The Land of the Free.” But what happens when our identification with these ideals of freedom and independence are impacted by circumstances beyond our control? What happens as we grow old? When we begin to lose our mobility, together with the strength and energy to contribute to, care for, and provide for our family, for society, and even ourselves? How do we come to terms with a state of dependence when our religion and society uphold independence as the greatest of virtues?

Many of the elderly Jewish patients I visit are particularly troubled by this issue as Judaism encourages its adherents to partner in creation – to be people of action, observant of Mitzvahs: obligations to ourselves, to each other, and to G_d. How then do we reconcile the time in our lives when we lose the ability to be as creative as we once were, and are prevented from performing certain obligations because of our frailty and failing health? Can we as professionals draw on teachings from our tradition or Biblical personalities to assist us in our work with the elderly and give our clients 'permission' to be dependent on others (be that financially, physically, or otherwise)?

I posed some of these questions to colleagues in the National Association of Jewish Chaplains (NAJC). This article incorporates a selection of their responses.

At the outset, it is important to recognize that there may be no easy resolution or reconciliation of these issues. To be cognizant of the fact that you will never be the same – that you will never be 'you' again, is more than a minor shock to the system. It is a death. Perhaps, suggests one of my Rabbinic associates, such people should say Kaddish[1] for the death of who they were, and have a naming for the new person they have now become.

This certainly does not mean that questioners should be silenced or laments discouraged. Judaism strongly believes in the importance of questioning.[2] Often the best response we can provide is simply to listen to and accept the question or lament. Encouraging and validating the expression of feelings of inadequacy, loss and uselessness and emotions such as frustration and anger can be a great gift.

In one nursing home I am aware of, this principle has been utilized to engender an environment of peer-support. Residents report that simply listening to and empathizing with other residents who are also experiencing loss of self worth and independence restores a sense of usefulness and a feeling of contributing to the lives of others. No longer are their own hardships viewed only as a burden on themselves and others. These very same burdens and losses may at times have utility in helping them to relate to the suffering of a peer.

Who better to support others grieving their independence than another in a similar situation? In the absence of a clinically trained chaplain or therapist, one frail individual – because of their own experiences – may be the only one who can really listen to another without trying to talk them out of their despondent state.

In this vein, an additional therapeutic approach and intervention rooted in theology, might encourage clients to journal their fears and outline their feelings as they walk through the valley of the shadow of death. After all, the Hebrew Bible documents the struggles that our ancestors faced along the road to the Promised Land. Despite – and perhaps because of – the challenges they faced, their legacy and teachings continue to impact us to this day. This reflective and creative journaling process may also inspire clients to write an Ethical Will. Thus, instead of dwelling only on their sorrow and laments they can be encouraged to express highlights of their life narrative and the spiritual worth and characteristics that they bequeath to the next generation and by which they will be remembered.

For some professionals and clients it may be meaningful to reflect on the notion that the climax of G_d's Creation was the cessation from creating anything new – the Sabbath. Judaism invites its adherents to emulate G_d and refrain from creative activity (melacha) on the Sabbath. This opportunity to take time out enables us to appreciate the accomplishments of our creative efforts and to focus on spiritual nourishment and replenishment.[3] The concept of Sabbath could help transform a time of helplessness to a time of connecting with our Source; a time of inaction to a time of true rest from running, mastering and creating; a time of vulnerability to a time of simply being and appreciating.

An extended Sabbatical (i.e. ageing) allows some elderly to develop a deeper appreciation of the world around them and their Creator, This period can provide a time for reflection, appreciation, and integration of the many accomplishments that they achieved in this world. It can also provide much needed space for others to consider and thank them for the many contributions that may have previously been taken for granted.

Ultimately, it is humbling to realize that G_d has organized the world so that even when a person no longer has center-stage, or is bereft of a role to play in most of the scenes, the show still goes on. As does the duty to be thankful[4] . Each morning our traditional prayers declare: "Kol zman shehanashama bekirbi…" "As long as You G_d desire that my soul remain within me, I am grateful to You..." During times when life is viewed as a burden and consists of a string of indignities it may be hard to be thankful for the daily gift of life. Working with, living with, and loving those whose life circumstances have highly sensitized them to their dependence on G_d and those created in G_d's Image, can at least provide us with multiple opportunities to be thankful to G_d and afford us a renewed appreciation of all the health we enjoy. Often it is only when we are witness to these blessings ebbing away that we truly recognize their value and impact on our lives.

Sometimes, those we minister to are reluctant to inform loved ones about the debilitating nature of their ailments lest they 'worry too much' or seek to put them in a nursing home etc. While these concerns are very real and must be acknowledged, we may find an opportunity to present an alternative perspective that invites our clients to reflect on their experience as providers of care for their children, partner or others. The client will recall times when it was hard to provide care because the recipient was ungracious or unwilling to accept help and support. As a result, they may have felt rejected, slighted or despondent. Now that roles are reversed,[5] can the client find the courage to receive graciously from others? Especially when children become the caregivers, can the client permit them to show their Hakarat HaTov (appreciation) for all the years and resources that were devoted to raising & supporting them?

Clients could be further guided to develop a sense of greater utility by continuing to give to others through concrete displays of gratitude and appreciation. Examples include words and letters of thanks to medical practitioners, and taking a few minutes to provide valuable feedback on the survey they receive after a hospital discharge. In striving to contribute with whatever resources are at their disposal: time, money, or simply words of praise, clients may even begin to feel less dependent as their provider of care also becomes a recipient.

There is a longstanding Jewish tradition for birthday greetings to include the wish: Ad Meoh V'esrim (till 120). Today there are plenty of examples of people living beyond that age; however, this was the age at which our great teacher Moses passed away. The Torah makes a point of telling us "his eye had not dimmed and his vigor had not diminished” (Deuteronomy 34:7)." This implies that the rest of us are unlikely to be as fortunate. Just as we started life dependent on others and G_d for our basic survival, so we will end our life in a state of dependence. May G_d grant us the wisdom and insight to remember 'the days of old' and recognize that we need not always be do-ers: sometimes we can contribute by simply being.

Footnotes:

[1] Kaddish (lit. sanctification) is the traditional prayer that demarcates sections of the congregational service, and is often recited on behalf of the congregation by a mourner in honor and memory of a loved one.

[2] Jews are encouraged to question at a very young age. Hence the primacy of assigning the youngest participant in the Passover Seder to articulate the Mah Nishtana (Four Questions that are designed to spur further discussion about the meaning and significance of independence). Note further that the Talmud (the central repository of Jewish lore, logic and wisdom) uses questions as its principal modus operandi and a model for subsequent Jewish philosophic & legal discussion and clarification.

[3] Those who aren't constantly engaged in the creative activities of their youth are perhaps better positioned to access their neshama yeseira (the added dimension of soul described in the Talmud and Jewish mystical sources) that the average person only has access to on the Sabbath.

[4] It is interesting to note that the name Judah or ‘Jew’ is etymologically derived from the Hebrew word Modeh – to thank and admit our dependence on G_d. (see Genesis 29:35 where Leah names her fourth son).

[5]In Talmudic phraseology this is termed Galgal haChozer – a ‘revolving wheel,’ or colloquially: ‘wheel of fortun.e’

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