Chaplain Haydn McLean on making the most of time

Happy Birthday to Me

April 7 is my birthday, and it’s a meaningful one. It’s not that I’m marking a “decade” birthday. It’s more significant than that. This birthday has been a marker in the back of my mind for years and I have watched it creep slowly, inexorably closer for over three decades. I have reached my father’s age when he died. My father was not old; I now realize how young he was.

I have noticed a change coming over me these last few months as I anticipated the arrival of this age. Reaching this birthday, coupled with the number of people I regularly witness departing this world, has given me a heightened urgency about my life. I sense an inner craving to make the most of what time I have left in life, while I realize that I will have a longer lifetime than my father (who died one month into his equivalent year). I have now reached the consequential age I have anticipated for most of my life, an emotional marker more than a rational one, but a marker nonetheless, whose power has already surpassed any of my former birthdays. I feel as though I’m living on borrowed time – time that was not allotted to my father, but time and opportunity, which, by grace, may redeem the additional lifetime granted to me.

I have noticed two emotional and correlated changes. First, I sense that I have little time to waste. As such, I have felt a compulsion to use my allotted time wisely on tasks that are worthy of my time and effort. With a keen appreciation for the brevity of life and the possibility of exiting this world with regrets, I am less prone to engage in activities that represent the veneer of life. I am inclined to engage in those activities and relationships that have remained the most significant and meaningful through my years. This may eventually dispose me to make decisions that others consider risky, but I sense a greater willingness to take those risks out of the fear of wasting infrequent opportunities.

The second change I have noticed about myself lately, as the result of reaching this emotional marker, is that I spend less time concerning myself over what other people think, including what they think of me. I am also less inclined to invest energy or time in activities that others think I ought to consider meaningful or significant simply because they do. Many times, I feel like I can’t be bothered by those things that others consider urgent or important. I’ve been handed an opportunity to live a longer life than my father and I’m going to live it as best as I can – for his legacy and for me, but not for someone else.

What will reaching this milestone mean for my future? I cannot yet tell, other than the emotional alterations I have experienced of late. However, one thing is for certain: my urgency for life has heightened my hope, the queasiness in my stomach reflects an anticipation for that yet undefined, and I have found a new willingness to shed the chaff of life and complete my quest for a whole and complete life, which was denied to my father.

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